I know it’s a silly thought but if there was a place where I could buy “confidence”, I’d like to buy it. But where?
“Being confident” is not easy for me. Where does the confidence come from in the first place? How can other people be confident about themselves in everything?
Every time someone says that I should be more confident, I am totally at a loss what to do. Should I be confident even though there isn’t ample ground?
I think my lacking of confidence may be based on the experience.
My true parents got divorced when I was five years old. After their divorce, my real father took me to his hometown and I’ve never seen my real mother since then. She chose her own life as a woman not as my mother, so I just let her go. I thought like this even when I was five. I’m not blaming her for it, but the fact that she left me made me sink into the dark shadow.
About one year later after we moved to my father’s hometown, he got remarried. He built a new house for his new family but he didn’t take me to the house. I thought that he didn’t want me to be a part of his life any more. Maybe, it was the same thing that my mom did to me but I couldn’t overcome it this time. I felt that he walked out on me forever. In fact, he did. This made me sink into the darkest shadow and I lose my identity.
I was raised by my foster parents. They are nice people, indeed. I still live with them to take care of, which is my duty. When I was a child, they gave me almost everything such as clothes, toys, a bicycle, enough foods, education, and so on. Despite of that, I’ve been struggling to find my place, that is, I’ve had a feeling I don’t belong in this house at all. And still I’m not able to clear it away.
Because of these matters, I became not to trust myself and gradually lost the reason why I have to exist here. The more I think of it, the more I become confused and less confident about myself, and thus I’m totally cast away.
I’m not sure I can find the answer but I know the only person who can find it wouldn’t be anyone but me. I just don’t know how to reach there.
